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I feel sad for those people who do not evolve and change. Who always bring the same things to the table time and time again. It's almost as though they are stuck in a repetitive cycle of self destruction.
If you do not change and evolve, where do you go? I mean is there any place to really go besides just starting the same cycle over and over again and proving just how redundant you are?
Doesn't that leave you empty? Maybe wanting more than just the constant monotony of being stuck in the same cycle?
It doesn't seem like it. There are so many I see who bring nothing more but the same things over and over again. It's the same spiel but with maybe a different name inserted some place. Doesn't it just old? I would think it does. But then again I wouldn't know because I am not stuck in the repetitive cycle.
Maybe it's just the attention that it brings. Or the comfort that it can provide. I think more so of the attention it brings, because really how can it bring comfort to know that you will always be that way and never bring anything more than what you are at the moment?
I find it tired and boring just seeing it. And I see it rarely. I just don't know how it can be enjoyable and tolerated on an everyday basis.
Today is one of those bittersweet days. The third, and last book, in The Hunger Games series is going to be delivered today. I've been waiting for it for a while.
And then it makes me think of Punkie. She got me started on the series. I was so excited for us to both read it and just gush over it and talk about it.
I am excited to read it, but it just makes me miss her even more.
I swear after this stupid surface vein clot is gone I do not want to see a heating pad for a long, long time.
I am so tired of not sleeping and then sleeping most of the day. I can actually walk now. Thank goodness. It moved from my leg up higher. I'll save your poor eyes from the disturbing details. Trust Me, it's way better this way.
Factor V Leiden sucks. Like really, really sucks. [sarcasm] YAY for family genes and traits! [/sarcasm]
I was so tired and weird last night, I was laying in bed and just thinking of a description for it. And I came up with this analogy; it's kinda like the different percentages of milk.
Those who live in really high heat tend to have thinner blood. So they are fat free/skim.
Then you move into those places where there are a combination of hot and cold. Those are the 1%.
Then move to the places where it's cold most of the time. Those are the 2%.
And then.. there is me.. Just like suckin' off the teet!
If I was ever attacked my a vampire it'd probably be like suckin maple syrup through a straw.
I just feel the need to write. Touch on a spot in my mind that has been peeking into my thoughts a lot lately.
So here I sit in the dark with the only light coming from my laptop and the sound of the fan whirling next to me. My mind racing as so many things I want to say, but they all remained jumbled and it's hard to pick what to start with. So maybe I'll just mentally yell go and see what comes out.
During my life I have went through many cycles; both in my life and within the time I have been on VR. I guess it would be more appropriate to say that I have evolved though many stages within such a short amount of time. Cycles makes it sound 'odd'.
I've often wondered if things would have turned out differently in one part of my life if it would cause a chain reaction and alter everything that has happened to me from that point on? We I have went and experienced the things I've experienced? Or would they just be a dream that was lost between space and time.
I can't stay it's all been bad. In some ways it turned out well. In others, not so much. But we live with it and we learn from the experiences.
I feel so much older than my years; both mind and body. I feel like one day I am going to wake up and I am going to question myself about my life and not have any answers. And there is only a limited amount that I can do in order to change that. Well, at least I feel there is a limited amount that I can do in order to change it.
I have a couple friends that I've known for just over 10 years. They are married and I adore them immensely. The wife and I were best friends when I went to cosmetology school. He came into the picture a little later. I adore her so much, but there are times when it's so hard to not be peeved with her when she doesn't get some things. When she doesn't understand it's not just simple to run out and meet someone in public and then have things to roses and butterflies and marriage. Things are different for me. It's like she got married and now she only lives within the walls of her family and forgot what it was like before all of that. It's not been easy the past few weeks for me to trot over there and spend time. I've found out that I have a sprained ankle and a surface blood clot in my leg. So I have been taking it easy because yes it is painful at times. I just wish she'd offered to at least come over. I just wish there was understanding there. Even though what I've battled with physically is not really something you can see on the out side, it has taken a toll on me. Both emotionally, physically and mentally. But it seems as though just because sometimes it is not seen to the eye, people tend to forget such things. But such is life.
I'm going to skip back to evolving for a moment. There was a moment in time when I was just horrible. With things I've said and also with my action. (Yes, I do mean on here) There are some who deserved to be lashed out at. There are some who did not. And those who did not. I am sorry. My sincerest apologies. I shouldn't have let it happen, but it did and I regret my actions. I cannot change the past I can only learn and evolve from my mistakes.
I am trying to eliminate the negative from my life. There are times when it is impossible until time has passed and given us the chance to heal and push that negative aside, but I am trying. I do not hate. I dislike, but hate is such a strong and harsh word. I am sure at some point I will 'hate' someone, but I will not carry it around. I will let it take it's course and release it when the time is right. I think it can damage us if we hold onto it for to long. It can damage us in a way that we may not ever seen but it does.
I have wiped my mental slate clean so to speak. I feel better about this. I've enjoy it. And it was way past time.
I used to fear change in certain ways, but now I try to embrace them. Evolving can be such an exciting thing. It really can be.
I really have Faith (Punkie) to thank for a lot of things. She taught me so much within the years I knew her. I believe in life we can have numerous soul mates. They do not have to be a lover, but they can be a friend that will travel through your life with you. She was mine. I knew from the first moment I started talking to her. She is a blessing.
Hopefully tonight I can sleep since I've been able to purge some things from my mind. I do feel a bit lighter emotionally. We shall see.
You expressed this so eloquently. It speaks of self-seeking and growth. You sound happier (the enduring kind, not the short-lived fun kind) and healthier (sprained ankle aside).
I was looking down the list of journal entries and the opening sentences were a sea of whining and depression. Yours stood out, promising to be thoughtful and reflective. I'm so glad I clicked on yours.
I hope you are encouraged to continue sharing...there are a few of us out here who long for honesty and maturity in the words of others who are facing challenges just like we are, and who don't implode in self-pity and a desire to suck everyone else down with them.
it is so refreshing to read a reflective entry. im done with the angry ones of late, they lack maturity and self-awareness, which you have. onwards and upwards as they say, good for you :)
It's really refreshing to read a more introspective and reflective entry, instead of the sea of constantly angry and whiny entries I'm often confronted with when I go to read journals.
I have to agree with your points, and wish you well in your endeavors, Moonie.
17:01 Aug 05 2010 Times Read: 867
Some of this double standard bullshit I see really pisses me off. It's okay for them but god forbid someone else does it. Then oh, no it shouldn't be done.
In a few more words than it' used to be. Fear the biddies, for they've enough experience at how to rip your reproductive organs out even over the Internet. Lol
WebMD is a horrible horrible website. Well not really, but if I have symptoms, I search for them on there. Then I learn I could have all sorts of incurable diseases and cancers when in actuality I have the 24 hour flu.
I'm thinking of a new layout. I've had the same one for so long. I might want to to go to the other end of the spectrum. Maybe do some Horror/Gore theme. I need something different.
And I haven't did a good horror theme in a long time.
COMMENTS
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Mystic
23:58 Aug 30 2010
what ever you decide will be awesome Lainey you is the best and we ♥'s you
Abstract
23:58 Aug 30 2010
Dark Wizard of Oz.
Or Asylum Scary works....But I wouldn't mind seeing your take on Oz gothy xD
TheRat
00:09 Aug 31 2010
Any pictures I have of Waverly are yours sis. Bet you could turn them into works of art.
:)
Puk
00:09 Aug 31 2010
Thunda... Thunda... Thundercats HOOOOOOO...
MooniePie
01:28 Aug 31 2010
lol No ThunderCats, ya Ho. :P
I am going to go with the asylum theme. I haven't did anything dark in a long time.
And Thanks sis! I'll have to peek at your Waverly pics. :D :D :D
atyourwindow
07:34 Aug 31 2010
wont matter, as long as it has da moonies it will be purdy.
Requiem
02:22 Sep 01 2010
Asylum. Scary.
Make Me scared. I dare you.
=)
MooniePie
02:33 Sep 01 2010
Req, I'll make you so scared you'll tinkle!
RawR! See.. I didn't even need the layout. You tinkled out of fear! I know it!